Santa in February

Dear Santa,

I know it’s only February and it’s not Christmas yet, but I really really need a present right now. I’ve been a good boy this whole year – that’s two whole months. I’ve only lied once to mum this year, but that was because she was crying and I wanted her to feel ok again. Anyway, I didn’t get my Christmas wish last year, so maybe you didn’t get the letter I wrote. I tried to email you, but I couldn’t find your email address online. I hope you get this letter in time. It’s not that I don’t have the patience to wait, it’s just that I don’t have many days left to wait.

I am supposed to turn 8 this year. If I was still at school I would be in year 3. Liz (my little sister) tells me school is boring, but I think it would be more fun than lying in a bed all day. Anything is better than lying in bed all day. Last year I didn’t have to be in bed. I could walk around a little, sometimes in my wheeley chair. But this year I can’t do that much, not even with the wheeley. I think the tubes would get tangled if I move around too much.

My favourite time in the day is when dad visits. We have a lot of fun. Sometimes he reads stories to me, sometimes we pretend that I am like how I used to be and we talk about where he will take me when I am better. He says he will take me to the zoo to watch the pandas have babies, and to the beach to chase the seagulls, and to ice skating and swimming. We both know it won’t happen, but it is fun to pretend sometimes. In those times, I forget the pain a little.

But dad doesn’t visit as much as he used to. When he comes and sees mum, they argue. They go out of the room, but I know what they are doing. I wish they would do it in here instead because it’s embarrasing. They were never like that. It is only after I started living here that it all started.

Mum cries a lot. She tries not to do it in front of me, but sometimes she can’t help it. Especially when I am also crying in pain or having one of my ‘spazzes’.  The nurses are very nice and try to calm her down. The doctors are ok too, but I think they make her cry the most. Last week they told her something and she cried all night. She really scared me and Liz because when she cries like that it is usually because of me.

But mum isn’t always crying. She also hugs me a lot and tells me to keep being strong even though it is so painful. I think I scare her too because when it gets really painful I tell her I want to just give up. She tells me to keep going and that everything will be ok. We both know it won’t be, but it is good to have hope. And anyway, it has already been 2 years.

So, Santa, if you read this, I really hope you can make my wish come true. I have also written to the tooth fairy and to the fairy godmother, but I don’t know their addresses. I will keep the letters under my pillow next to the next tooth that falls out so the toothfairy can pick up the letter when she picks up my tooth. I just hope there is time.

My wish this year will be different. Every year I make the same birthday and Christmas wish. I get some good presents, but never what I really want. I think maybe I am asking for the wrong thing. So this time, I don’t want to wish the same wish. I don’t want to wish to get better. I don’t want to wish away the pain.I don’t even wish to be normal.

All I wish for, is for mum and dad to love each other, and for Liz to grow up properly not like me. I wish they will remember me, not like how I am now, but how I am in our imaginations. Because to me – me ice skating and swimming, me being brave for mum and growing up to take care of Liz – that is the best thing that has ever happened to me.

2010